Ella sat quietly for most of her therapy session, legs tucked under her and eyes flicking between the floor and the couch cushions. But near the end, she lifted her gaze and said softly, “I feel like my mom is easier on my little brother than on me. Like… he gets away with stuff I never could.”
It wasn’t an accusation—it was a feeling. One she had finally gathered the courage to express. Her therapist gently acknowledged the bravery it took to say that out loud.
Later that afternoon, as they got into the car, Ella’s mom turned to her with an edge in her voice:
“So I heard you think I favor your brother. That’s ridiculous, and you know it. You’re being dramatic and manipulative.”
Ella immediately shut down. The door to vulnerability slammed shut, possibly for a while.
This story is based on my almost three decades of experience as a psychologist, not one particular child or family.
When Your Child Speaks Up in Therapy—Listen with your Heart, not your Ego
As a parent, hearing your child share difficult feelings—especially ones that feel unfair or untrue—can be deeply uncomfortable. It can trigger defensiveness, guilt, or even anger. But how you respond in those moments can make or break the therapeutic progress your child is trying to make.
Here’s how to stay grounded and truly support your child through therapy:
1. Therapy Is a Brave Space—Don’t Make It Risky
If your child opens up about something they find confusing, unfair, or upsetting during therapy, even if it’s about you, try not to respond with anger or defensiveness afterward. Therapy only works if the child feels safe to be honest.
Your job isn’t to agree—it’s to listen.
Their truth in that moment matters more than your version of what happened.
2. Validate Their Feelings, Even If You Don’t Agree. Clarify Later.
Your child’s experience is their reality. You don’t have to agree with it to acknowledge that it’s valid for them. Saying “I can understand why you might feel that way” goes a long way in helping them feel seen. You’re not admitting fault. You’re showing empathy. Your job isn’t to agree – it’s to listen.
Instead of: “That’s not what happened”
Try: “I can see how that might have felt really unfair to you. Would you like to discuss it further?”
3. Please Don’t Reprimand a Child for What They Share in Therapy
Therapy should be a safe space—one of the only places your child can explore confusing or painful feelings without fear of getting in trouble. If you punish them for what they share, they’ll stop talking, and therapy won’t be helpful.
Many, if not all, kids are worried about repercussions after they bring something up in a therapy session. They are worried about how you will react and whether there will be a price to pay for telling you their fears, concerns or challenges. Responding with criticism, lectures, or punishments either in the session or afterward teaches them not to open up again.
If they opened up, they’re being brave. Don’t make them regret it.
4. Avoid the “Manipulative” Label
Kids are rarely manipulative in the way adults imagine. What can seem like manipulation is often a cry for help, an expression of confusion, or an attempt to get their needs met. Try to understand what’s underneath the behavior. So many things that make sense to adults are very hard for kids to understand.
Instead of assuming the worst, assume there’s something they’re struggling to communicate.
5. Be Curious, Not Defensive
When something your child says in therapy feels like a personal attack, take a breath. Ask yourself: What are they really trying to say? or What might they be feeling that I didn’t realize?
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present and open.
6. Therapy Is a Gift—But You’re Still the Most Important Relationship
Therapy helps your child reflect, grow, and heal—but what they need most is to feel safe, loved, and understood by you. Show them that even when things are hard, your relationship can hold it.
Listening without judgment teaches them that their voice matters, even when it’s shaky.
In Summary:
When your child is in therapy, they’re doing brave, emotional work. Don’t undo it by reacting harshly or defensively when they bring up hard things. Meet their honesty with calm, curiosity, and compassion—even when it stings.
If you’re ever unsure how to respond, talk to their therapist. You’re on the same team, working together to help your child thrive.
