By Dr. Wendy Rice, Psy.D.
Twelve-year-old Emma bursts through the front door, backpack sliding off one shoulder.
“Mom! I got my grades!” she calls out, waving a crumpled printout before it lands on the kitchen counter.
Her grades read:
A in Language Arts, A in History, A- in Science, B+ in Spanish, and… C in Math.
Emma’s proud grin falters as she glances up at her mom, waiting to see which way this moment will go.
Version one:
Mom scans the page. Her brow furrows.
“Emma, what happened in math? You were doing fine last quarter. Were you not paying attention? Did you forget to study for tests again?”
Emma’s shoulders slump. “I tried. I thought I did better.”
“Well, trying isn’t enough,” Mom says. “You need to work harder. Maybe we’ll cut back on your dance classes until that grade comes up.”
By dinner, the straight A’s are forgotten. The C in math takes center stage, and Emma’s effort feels invisible.
**Now imagine the same moment—** but with a different reaction.
Version two:
Mom scans the page, then looks up with a smile.
“Wow, Emma! Look at these grades—three A’s and an A-! I can tell you’ve been working hard. How do you feel about that?”
Emma beams. “Pretty good! Except for math.”
“I saw that too,” Mom says gently. “Math can be tricky, but it looks like you’re doing great in the other subjects. What do you think helped you succeed there? Maybe we can use some of those same strategies for math.”
Emma nods, proud and motivated instead of defeated. They brainstorm together, ending with a high-five—and no tears.
According to Gallup’s research on Strengths-Based Parenting, focusing on what’s right with children leads to stronger confidence, motivation, and long-term success than zeroing in on what’s wrong.When parents consistently point out and nurture their child’s natural talents, kids are up to six times more likely to be engaged in school and three times more likely to report having an excellent quality of life as adults.
Here’s the kicker: that same research found that spending most of your energy trying to “fix” weaknesses doesn’t just fail to help—it can backfire. When we focus only on the C instead of celebrating the A’s, kids internalize the message that their best efforts aren’t good enough. Over time, this can lead to perfectionism, anxiety, and a reluctance to take risks—because why try if it’ll never be enough?
From a psychological perspective, the second parent’s approach taps into positive reinforcement—catching kids being good. When children are recognized for effort, persistence, or kindness, their brains release feel-good chemicals like dopamine, strengthening the link between those positive behaviors and internal motivation.
The first scenario, though well-intentioned, often triggers shame and avoidance instead. Instead of thinking, “I can improve,” a child might think, “I’m not good at math,” or worse, “I disappoint my parents.” Over time, that mindset can chip away at self-esteem and resilience.
The good news? Shifting the focus isn’t hard—it just takes awareness. Here are a few ways to start:
- Name what’s going well. Instead of a generic “Good job,” try, “I noticed how you kept trying that problem even when it was hard.”
- Don’t ignore weaknesses—contextualize them. Address the issue, but only after celebrating the wins. (“Let’s look at what worked for you in science and see if we can bring that to math.”)
- Model curiosity instead of criticism. Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think made this class easier for you?”
- Balance realism with optimism. It’s not about sugarcoating—it’s about helping kids build from strength, not fear.
- End on encouragement. Leave your child knowing you see their potential, not just their performance.
Kids thrive on knowing they are seen—especially when we notice what they’re doing right. When parents consistently “catch their kids being good,” we help them develop an internal compass that points toward confidence, curiosity, and perseverance.
And here’s the bonus: this approach makes life more pleasant for everyone. Fewer battles over report cards. More dinner-table smiles. And maybe even a proud, “Mom, guess what I learned today?”
That’s a grade we can all celebrate.
If you’re curious about how to use strengths-based approaches to support your child’s learning, confidence, and emotional health, the team at Rice Psychology Group can help. We love helping families find practical, science-backed ways to bring out the best in their kids—at school and at home.
